I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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