dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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