Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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