just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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