My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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