Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
