Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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