Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
