she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
