Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
