party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
