and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
