upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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