I cannot find my penis.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
