I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
