Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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