My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
