3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
