Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
