she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
