I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
