how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
