I think I died a long time ago.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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