I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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