Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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