also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
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I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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