After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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