But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
