This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
