I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
