He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
