dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
