I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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