quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
