I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
