Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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