apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
