Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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