dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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