I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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