the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
