Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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