Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
