I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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