College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
