dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
