I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize