WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
