you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
