too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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