I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
