what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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