I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
