For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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