he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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