Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
