please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
