i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
