My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
