I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
