I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
