I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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